You should...

Several weeks ago my son was frustrated with a friend.  I naturally wanted to fix the situation so I suggested, “You should...text him.”  My son became upset and asked, “Mom, don’t you think I know how to contact my friends?”  Did I not know he was friendship savvy?  Of course I knew he was savvy!  However, I did not portray my good sentiments by the way I framed my suggestion.  Although my motive was pure, it felt demeaning to my son, and I had to apologize.

I chatted with my sister about the situation. She suggested in the future reframing my advice with a question and eliminating the phrase “you should.”  If I would have asked my son, “Have you considered texting your friend?” He would have replied, “Yes, I have already texted him three times!” She was right! If my advice was framed as a question, I would have understood the whole situation.  My original "you should" advice was not revelant and the whole misunderstanding could have been avoided!

I learned a valuable lesson: ask a question instead of giving a “you should” answer. It might  be a challenge for a “fix it” person like me, but today I am offically eliminating "you should" from my vocabulary. 

How about you, do you find yourself offering “you should” advice?