You should...

Several weeks ago my son was frustrated with a friend.  I naturally wanted to fix the situation so I suggested, “You should...text him.”  My son became upset and asked, “Mom, don’t you think I know how to contact my friends?”  Did I not know he was friendship savvy?  Of course I knew he was savvy!  However, I did not portray my good sentiments by the way I framed my suggestion.  Although my motive was pure, it felt demeaning to my son, and I had to apologize.

I chatted with my sister about the situation. She suggested in the future reframing my advice with a question and eliminating the phrase “you should.”  If I would have asked my son, “Have you considered texting your friend?” He would have replied, “Yes, I have already texted him three times!” She was right! If my advice was framed as a question, I would have understood the whole situation.  My original "you should" advice was not revelant and the whole misunderstanding could have been avoided!

I learned a valuable lesson: ask a question instead of giving a “you should” answer. It might  be a challenge for a “fix it” person like me, but today I am offically eliminating "you should" from my vocabulary. 

How about you, do you find yourself offering “you should” advice?

Quit Making Noise

Circumstances can get the best of us if we allow it. Yesterday I had the opportunity to chat with a few good friends. They both had one thing in common: they were overwhelmed with life. As I listened to their situations, I could relate.

When my oldest son was born, I chose not to use pain killers. I remember moaning when the nurse looked at me and said, "Quit making noise and use your energy to push."  My family stood outside the door and was amazed when they heard my baby cry without a moan from me.  I took the nurse’s advice literally.

Perhaps, as a society, we have missed something by taking pain killers during childbirth; we forget that pain is a part of life.  The nurse’s advice helped me deliver my son and changed my life perspective.  Difficult circumstances and set-backs are a part of life and we all experience it.  When I catch myself moaning and complaining I remember her words.,“Quit making noise and use your energy to push [through it]!”